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Grieving is a natural reaction to the loss of someone or something close to our heart. So other changes in life, such as illness or moving, require us to mourn too. We need to heal from these wounds and take care of ourselves....
- Stages -
Feelings can manifest as we come to terms with the loss that weighs on us. Doctors have identified five to seven stages in common grief that allow us to deal with the reasons of our feelings :
Denial (shock) : When we learn of the loss, it is normal to feel shocked or numb. It is a temporary means of dealing with the influx of overwhelming emotions that we feel (consciously or not), it is a defence mechanism;
Guilt : At this point we realize that the loss is very real, it is the most chaotic and frightening stage. Intense feelings of guilt and remorse are experienced because of things that have been done or that have not been done that seem to have led to this irreversible loss;
Anger : As reality sets in, we are faced with the pain of our loss. We can feel frustrated and helpless, which leads us to anger. It is possible that we are directing it towards others, a higher power, life in general, or the being who died and who left us alone;
Negotiation : During this stage, begins a kind of attempt to find the means by which to reverse this situation and compensate for it, even going as far as trying to make a deal with a higher power;
Depression : Sadness sets in when we begin to understand loss and its effects our life, but we are unable to cope. We are overcome with despair and behave passively; we do not see how to alleviate the suffering and we can no longer cope with the everyday life. If we feel stuck in this state, we need to seek professional help, so that we can get out of it;
Reconstruction : This is a testing phase where we begin to open up again to others and welcome activities in order to escape the pain. This is the start of the next and final step;
Acceptance : In this final step, we accept the reality of our loss. Although we are still sad, we can start moving forward with life and (really) get on with our life.
We all go through these phases in our own way. We can switch back and forth or skip one or more steps. However, we must remain on our guard, because we are not immune to an element of reminder of our loss (birthdays, song, movie, trip), because they can trigger the return of grief.
- The duration -
There is no definite time to overcome our grief. The process depends on a number of factors : our personality, our age, our beliefs, our surroundings and the loss itself. However, over time the sadness and pain subside.
- Listen to what we feel -
When we are overwhelmed by our feelings, we are sometimes tempted to tone them down with drugs, alcohol, food, or even work. Unfortunately, these temporary breakouts can take a toll on our mental, moral and physical health and rarely prompt us to cope and heal.
We have to accept what we are feeling (this is a process) and... :
let's do things simply, but back to our routines and our hobbies (reading, cleaning, etc.). Coming back to our activities brings us comfort and joy;
emotional tension can exhaust us, so as soon as the need arises : we should sleep (at night or a nap). If we have trouble sleeping, we need to see a doctor;
a healthy and balanced diet will help us to recover, or at least to keep us in good health;
whether we choose to be followed by a psychiatrist, or to join a support group, we should talk to someone outside our bereavement. It can help us feel validated and less alone.
- Not doing it alone -
Sometimes we will not be able to gain the upper hand and we will have to seek help from a psychiatrist, if (after months) we... :
have difficulty maintaining our habits, going to work, cleaning the house, etc. ;
we feel livid, passive, without envy or strength;
have suicidal thoughts, or want to hurt ourself;
keep a sense of guilt or responsibility for the loss.
A therapist can help us explore and expose our emotions, teach us coping skills, and manage our grief.
- Let’s not scare the children -
Children need to feel that they are being listened to, included in decisions and events. And even though when we have kids, we don't always want to show our feelings :
It is a good thing, in the event of separation or divorce, when anger towards the other parent can be distressing or transmissible to our children. We need to reassure our children that the separation is not their fault. Let's keep their routine as normal as possible and let them know what's going on so that they're less confused.
It’s a bad thing, when we are in mourning for a loved one. It is helpful for our children to see that it is okay to feel sad and to cry. We need to make sure that our children share what they are feeling (speaking, drawing or playing) without being ashamed or afraid of it.
Conclusions
Dealing with loss is one of the biggest challenges of our life! There is no right or wrong way to grieve, but there are healthy ways to deal with it. We can experience all kinds of difficult and unexpected emotions that can disrupt our physical health, our sleep, our diet, or even our thoughts.
What do you think?
