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Everyone wants a bit of attention from time to time, it's a natural need for validation of our efforts. However, the constant need for attention is worrying, and shows symptoms of an underlying mental health problem...

- Topography -

It's only human to want to be appreciated and taken seriously. But when this need is driven by jealousy, loneliness or personal instability of any kind, it becomes toxic not only for the person displaying these signals but also for anyone who orbits around them (near or far). This need for constant attention removes all credibility from the person, and makes any stable, sincere relationship impossible.

You need to be careful, because this trait is common in manipulators and passive-aggressive people, sometimes verging on mythomania. The roots of this behaviour lie in childhood : at that stage, it is not considered unhealthy, as it is a test of limits to recognise the signs of appropriate behaviour. Unfortunately, it is also at this stage that behavioural problems and lack of impulse control can become apparent, so they need to be steered in the right direction. Without the right guidance or treatment, these disorders will become increasingly entrenched.

- Principles -

It's important to understand that this is sometimes an understandable need for validation or a cry for help. There are a number of factors that can cause this behaviour :

Insecurity : Although it may seem harmless, it is an unhealthy way of dealing with our physical and emotional insecurities, which can put a strain on all our relationships without exception.

Personality disorders : With or without a narcissistic bent, people with personality disorders often display a need for attention, sometimes even leading to compulsive and obsessive behaviour.

Loneliness or jealousy : People with increasing loneliness or social anxiety may turn to social media to appear (rather than be) and become very aggressive due to a lack of recognition. They may even go so far as to mimic these same behaviours offline and in their everyday life.

- Physiognomy -

The most common behaviours associated with this condition are :

Feigning incompetence : One of the methods used by these people is to feign incompetence, impotence or false weaknesses.

Killing boredom : As this need has become visceral, to kill boredom, they will deliberately cause scenes or conflicts, in public or in private.

Victimising : This involves playing on a small injury or discomfort and making a mountain out of a molehill. Worse, they may even simulate injuries, illnesses or non-existent problems.

Embellishing events : Pulling the rug out from under themself, altering events to make them look good or fabricating things to provoke a reaction is another way of attracting attention.

Asking to be flattered : It's normal to want to be complimented. However, fishing for compliments is an unhealthy way of trying to make oneself seem more important than necessary (sorry to say, but it doesn't fool anyone about the insecurities).

- Mental health -

Attention seekers can suffer from mental health disorders :

Personality disorder : A person with this disorder may display a « dramatic/theatrical personality » including :

• Always needing to be in the spotlight or the centre of attention ;

• Making impulsive decisions, sometimes putting others at risk ;

• Being obsessed with their physical appearance or the way they dress ;

• Lacking empathy or showing false concern for others ;

• Becoming bored when attention is no longer focused on them ;

• Impose codes on others that they cannot maintain themselves.

Borderline or Passive-aggressive : Having low self-esteem and a constantly low mood, it is difficult for them to control their impulses and mood swings including :

• A chronic fear of abandonment with the impression that everyone is out to get them ;

• Self-deprecating, displaying a very low self-image or self-esteem ;

• Intense outbursts of anger or violence ;

• Have only unstable relationships with constantly changing perceptions of those around them, or make dubious choices about their sexual partners ;

• Show destructive behaviour (towards themselves and others), including suicidal thoughts and self-mutilation.

Several other behavioural and mental health disorders are characterised by a severe need for attention :

Bipolar disorder ;

Narcissistic personality disorder ;

Attention deficit disorder with or without hyperactivity ;

Oppositional Defiant Disorder ;

Intermittent explosive disorder.

- Ethology -

When someone makes a confrontational comment or constantly seeks compliments, the effects are manifested through the following actions :

Over-publishing : Competing for the most « views » and « likes » or comments.

Constantly boasting : Whether it's about personal success, material wealth, physical appearance, choice of clothes or means of transport (whether true or not), they can go so far as to appropriate themselves the real achievements of others.

Criticism without foundation : Trolling or making calculated comments beyond civil discussion, to make people feel uncomfortable, are their only strong points.

Hiding behind humour : In order to provoke, promiscuously or exhibitionistically, unleashing attacks or insults under the guise of humour and cowardly hiding behind « I was only joking » or « where's your sense of humour » are always demonstrations of their weaknesses.

Exaggerating without reference points : Always wanting to be the centre of attention, acting as if everything that happens is a catastrophe, hogging the glories of others and shielding them, and so on...

- Coping -

Here are a few ways to help a loved one with a constant need for attention :

Set limits : Above all, we must not let them say anything or act in any way, as this will only fuel their need. We need to make it clear that we don't want to know or that we know the true version of events.

Communicate clearly : They are not always aware of their behaviour, so we need to take them aside and calmly explain what we are observing, without hiding the consequences of their actions/speeches from them.

Show compassion : People seeking attention often act for a deeper reason. This doesn't mean excusing them, just directing them to professional help.

- Putting a stop to it -

If we are the person exhibiting this type of behaviour, we need to understand that simply realising that something is wrong with us is an important step. Getting rid of our insecurities is an essential line to help us, here's how to do it :

Getting therapy or coaching : Talking to a professional is the best way. He or she will guide us to discover the root of the problem that's eating away at us and help us to find ways of reducing, controlling and/or eliminating it.

Keeping a diary : At the same time, keeping a diary of our emotions and feelings can help us to understand ourselves better and uncover our triggers.

Many people are reluctant to admit that they are acting inappropriately, which makes it impossible for them to find the right help. In cases such as self-destruction, self-mutilation or suicidal ideation, there's an urgent need to turn to a mental health professional, and fast!

Conclusions

When we examine the need to attract attention, we find that it is often a cry for help or the manifestation of a mental health problem. In all cases, it can be useful to minimise contact with this person, who will end up annoying us and even cannibalising our energy.

If we have the strength, let's try to be compassionate when we interact with this person and not pay too much attention to their rantings, and if necessary, guide them towards professional help.

What do you think?