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For many people, fulfilled relationships mean sharing a healthy, happy and fulfilling relationship with a loving partner, while for others the relationship is complicated, even strategic...

- Operating instructions -

« Love maps » is a term used by Dr. John Gottman, a psychologist and researcher in the field of marriage and relationships. His team has found principles that can lead to harmonious and lasting relationships :

Building love maps ;

Sharing the affection and the admiration ;

Turning towards each other instead of drifting away ;

The positive perspective ;

Managing conflict ;

Achieving goals and dreams as a team ;

Creating a relationship of sharing.

And let's not forget the concrete that holds it all together : trust and commitment.

The research has shown that emotionally intelligent partners are familiar with each other's universe. This requires making a lot of cognitive space in our minds for the relation :

Knowing the major events in each partner's life ;

Knowing the lifestyle to which each partner aspires ;

Knowing and respecting each other's goals, dreams, worries and fears.

And above all, continuing to update this information as life with our partner evolves.

This also applies to getting to know things that may seem insignificant :

Favourite foods ;

Favourite styles of clothing ;

Favourite hobbies and activities ;

...

- Shared hobbies -

We don't have to do everything glued to each other 24 hours a day, but sharing hobbies and experiences is a must. Whether we like to hike, to cook new recipes, to go through a series or movie marathon... we just have to make sure we both enjoy the activity and that it's truly together and shared regularly.

- A bubble of our own -

Just as it is important to nurture our relationship by spending quality time together, it is equally important to occasionally spending quality time away from our partner. It will help us to keep a perspective on ourselves, our individual dreams and our path. In short, it allows us to cultivate our own interests and skills and to ensure that we take care of ourselves physically and mentally.

- Love languages -

Almost everyone wants to show their partner their affection and importance, and yet many people struggle to do so in a way that speaks to their loved one's heart. The five « love languages », as defined by counsellor Dr. Gary Chapman, describe the different ways people express and feel love. It is important for each partner to learn to decipher the codes of the other one, so that they can communicate without ambiguity :

Acts of Service : Whether it is in our nature to be of service or not, acts of service can be described as doing something for our partner that we know will be appreciated (filling up the gas tank, watering the plants, cooking a meal).

Receiving gifts : To some, this might sounds greedy (as if the recipient is fixated on things rather than feelings), but the real meaning of the gift is a gesture of our affection. Whether the object is tiny item or a luxury one, both convey the fact that we are thinking of our partner. A person who understands this language of love will cherish the gift, and no matter how small, each time the object will be in sight, the memory of the feeling will reappear.

Quality time : A person feels loved only if eye contact and listening are actively focused on them. Love and affection are expressed to someone through undivided attention, meaning that phones, tablets and TV screens are not welcome into those important moments. The same goes for criticism, non-affirmation our unsolicited advices of what our partner tries to express.

Words of affirmation : This consists of expressing affection through kind words, encouragement, cute little messages, appreciation, compliments.

Physical touch : A person, whose primary love language is touch, feels loved through physical affection. They just want to be physically close to their partner and feel loved (outside of sex) when their partner holds their hand, gives them a massage or hugs them.

The idea is to learn more about how our partner experiences love and for a moment take a look at what makes the other person feel important and loved. Making this commitment is increasing our emotional intelligence and making our partner value their needs.

While love languages can be a way to open communication and compassion, we have to be careful to not use them as a weapon. This is not a competition of whom made the most efforts or whom is better at it (which will add unnecessary tension to the relationship).

- Underlying problems -

Conflict is a natural part of relationships. Maintaining a healthy and lasting relationship is about resolving conflict. It is important to discuss real problems that arise in a relationship, rather than getting stuck talking in circles about a superficial symptom of the problem at hand.

Often our instinct is to stand up for ourselves first. But when we choose to listen first, we focus our energy on paying attention to our partner and what is being communicated, giving us a better chance of hearing clearly and understanding better what is being tried to tell us. By doing so, we will be better able to show understanding, compassion and help resolve the issue being discussed and avoid arguing aimlessly and in a vacuum.

For example : A couple may argue regularly because inseparable A doesn't help with the housework without inseparable B asking. The problem continues to arise because they are addressing something specific (emptying the dishwasher, taking out the garbage) rather than the real concern (inseparable B doesn't feel a sense of partnership in taking care of their home).

- Finding a middle ground -

In relationships, each person is an equal part of the relationship, this means that the needs and desires of each partner have a weight in the balance and must be met. It is important that both partners are willing and able to find a « middle ground » or « common ground ».

In some cases, « meeting in the middle » implies that one person's preference may take precedence over the other's preference. Here again, it will be necessary to ensure that the balance does not always weigh in favour of the same partner.

Compromise is not always exactly in the middle, it is a matter of understanding the leeway we each have to allow, so that each partner is taken into account and feels supported even when there is disagreement. However, it is important not to compromise on everything : if one wants a monogamous relationship and the other an open relationship, there is no middle ground possible.

- No resentment -

The most common causes of dissatisfaction and discord in a relationship are not getting what we want. But this situation is often due to the fact that we do not express clearly what we want or expect from our partner.

It would be great if our other half could read our minds, know every nook and cranny of our mind, or the range of our wishes and desires, never expressed. But we must remain realistic and not demand that our significant other becomes a telepath or a soothsayer.

So being clear with our partner about what we want and need, and getting them to do the same, can help us get to know each other better, especially in budding or newly hatched relationships.

- Keeping the flame alive -

Some deplore that as the relationship develops, what started out as a flame becomes dimmed and sometimes loses its spark.

« Keeping the flame alive » means making the effort to spend time together and cultivate that special bond and this can be different for everyone :

A night out at a restaurant with a special requirement on the « dress code » ;

Changing perfume or look ;

Playing romantic/quirky role-playing games.

- Forming a team -

When we « team up », we brave « together » all the problems that come our way, even if it comes from the dark side of one or the other (we just have to make sure that this reason doesn't happen too often). The same goes for conflicts, we must be able to turn to each other, not against each other or running from each other.

Conclusions

Relationships require ongoing work, and there are ways to persevere in strengthening and maintaining our relationships. However, let’s be careful not to get stuck in a toxic relationship.

Even healthy and fulfilling relationships are not free of conflict, but they are addressed and resolved by mutual agreement, and the players are on the same team with a shared goal in balance.

What do you think?