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We laugh when movies and television show us, in a comical way, children taking care of childish, incompetent and/or toxic parents. But in reality, things are much more scathing...

- The ideal environment -

Some of us have been fortunate enough to be born (or placed) in a competent, loving home that has allowed us to grow up in a safe, dignified and mature manner. The healthiest homes are recognizable (beyond having food and clothing) by parents who respond with genuine interest and affection, so that the child can demonstrate independence and find his/her place in the world.

The stages of a standard education and human development should be as follows :

Dependence : This is the period of childhood when we are totally dependent on our parents, when we need them to provide for our physical, material and emotional needs.

Counter-dependence : This is what naturally occurs during adolescence, and what makes conflicts frequent, because we act and make decisions against or without the opinion of our parents to assert ourselves.

Independence : It is acquired little by little until we become real adults, where we are supposed to be totally free from our parents to carry out our projects, according to our own desires and understanding the responsibilities that fall to us.

Interdependence : Once independence is achieved, a new relationship is created. It is based on the benefits of reciprocal transgenerational exchanges and is usually experienced as an enrichment.

- The incapacity -

Having children does not make a person an authentic and reliable parent. Just as not having children does not mean that a person does not like them or does not know how to care for them.

Immature and toxic parents make children, mainly to be like everyone else, in the hope that one day their child will take care of them, help them financially and make up for their lack of maturity and their almost non-existent sense of responsibility. Their child is nothing more or less than an object that they show off, when and how it suits them, and then abandon when they have seen enough of him/her.

There are patterns in the behaviour of these parents, and here is a non-exhaustive list :

Parents who think their child owes them everything ;

Parents who make their child feel guilty ;

Parents who make their children feel unwanted ;

Parents who try to instil fear (even physical violence) ;

Absent parents who choose to avoid their responsibilities ;

Parents who act without thinking and/or do things without considering the consequences ;

Parents who frequently make promises that they do not keep ;

Parents who rely on their child to find a solution for them ;

Parents who base their education on « laissez-faire », so they do not get involved or because educating is beyond their understanding ;

Parents who do not take their child seriously and/or who criticize and mock them ;

Parents who never praise their child, and/or never do so without sarcasm ;

Parents who value more (even reward) other people's children and make comparisons ;

Parents who try to dominate their child and/or who manipulate him/her to impose their tastes, their choices, their desires and their dreams ;

Parents who push their child to do everything they have never experienced, and/or to succeed where they themselves have failed ;

Parents who do not respect their child's privacy, independence, and intimacy in the home and/or in public ;

Parents who never make excuses for their inappropriate actions and mistakes.

At any age, we need others to satisfy our calls for comfort, closeness and emotional interaction. But pernicious parents are primarily self-focused, they often twist the truth and timeline of others to give themselves a better role (playing good Samaritan, hero, guide, ...), they are totally deaf to the deprivation of support, affection and expression, they do not protect their child, they feel no sense of duty or validation towards their child. Instead, they will manoeuvre to silence the child, convincing him/her that he/she is wrong or overreacting, even going so far as to speak out of turn, ignoring, belittling or rejecting the child.

Pernicious parents take away their child's childhood and put them in the role of an adult, which they themselves refuse to exercise. This is how children are given the responsibility of caring for themselves and their siblings, making decisions that would normally be made by their parents, doing household chores and even running the household. All this without help, and rewarded with inappropriate remarks, if the child has not lived up to, their surreal expectations.

- The nature of the relationship -

Questioning the nature of the relationship we had with our parents as children helps us to understand ourselves. The idea is not to judge, since the past is immutable, but to put things down to find out why, even as adults, our behaviour changes when we are around our parents.

There comes a time in everyone's life when we need to start connecting with our parents as peers, not as « dad » and/or « mom ». This can be difficult, as it involves having to emancipate ourselves from unspoken injunctions that have become insidiously and deeply ingrained over the years :

Cultural/family customs that no one dares to question : This is the case with Christmas celebrations that we have to endure, even though we dream of organizing them differently, or even simply not celebrating them.

Expressions the « parental authority » brand : « With everything that I have done for you », « Don't forget that I am your father/mother », « You owe me respect », « You wouldn't be here if you had listened to me », etc.

« Compelling messages » that infantilize us : « What would you do if we weren't here? », « Can you do anything right? », « We're going to help you, again », « We're doing this for you/your own good », « Why are you always trying to displease us », etc.

- Wounds to heal -

It is difficult to build oneself up when we have been victims of immature, incompetent or toxic parents, whether they were physically or psychologically abusive, absent or too intrusive. This results in adults who have become either a reflection of their parents, sometimes showing more psychological and/or physical abuse, or people who take remarkable care of others but find themselves unable to do the same for themselves, because they automatically place their own needs at the bottom of their list of priorities, without being especially aware of it.

However, some adults who grew up with dysfunctional parents are resilient and are able to form rewarding relationships and lead fulfilling lives. But this does not mean that they are any more courageous, mature, or responsible. Often, they develop a consolation dynamic, an alienating mechanism that often becomes their only way of interacting with others and feeling valued as adults.

In all cases, the suffering is incandescent and is the root of many deficiencies : emotional loneliness, self-demand, inability to establish solid relationships, feelings of guilt, repression of anger, anxiety, irrational thoughts, etc. And unfortunately, blaming these dysfunctional parents would be like chastising a near-sighted person for being near-sighted.

- The process -

We are depleting in a toxic relationship that doesn't fit us anymore, if it ever did. We brood about being in the grip of these pernicious parents. Our self-image, as well as the image we give to others close to us, is at half-mast when we are in front of our parents. This situation is a source of conflict and resentment, so much so that we sometimes consider not talking to our parents or cutting them off permanently.

There is no magic formula for detaching from our parents, and it is advisable to get help from a mental health professional. However, here are some tips :

Identify : Probably not everything is to be questioned. We need to sort out the source of our feelings and what needs to be changed. Let’s be careful, because our beliefs and memories are not always true, which can lead to flaws in our reasoning.

Target : Let’s write down what we really want to achieve with this split. And detail what we need to get there. We can start this work by writing « I will be assertive with my parents if... » :

o I had more confidence in myself (self-confidence) ;

o I wasn't afraid of hurting/disappointing them (emotional management) ;

o I knew how to tell them/talk to them (communication) ;

o I didn't feel guilty (perspective taking) ;

o they knew how to listen (letting go).

Organize : Let's rank our needs according to how we function (from most to least impactful, or most to least easy to implement).

Begin : Let's begin our work toward change, giving ourselves time and taking it step by step.

Honour : Asserting ourselves in front of our parents can be complicated, so let's congratulate ourselves on each step we take, using the energy we gain from it. This is the path to emancipation.

We can send them a letter, written with careful words, but clearly expressing the harm they are doing and/or have done to us. But let's not expect them to respect this letter and its content. The important thing is that we have expressed ourselves frankly.

We must also be aware that this mechanism of detachment, generates emotions that will occupy an important place :

Fear : Fear of being seen as selfish. Fear of confrontation. Fear of being inconsistent. Fear of disappointment. Fear of being considered the ugly duckling. And sometimes, fear of loss or rejection.

Anger : By forcing us to comply with family rules and rituals and by accommodating us against our values and our will, will intensify our frustration which will be expressed by the anger of our bruised inner child.

Guilt : It is expressed through « With all that they have done for me », « I only have them », « They only have me », etc.

Conclusions

For a long time, we didn’t dare to talk about our feelings or show our true face to our parents. We realize that we don't behave the same way, that they won't hear us, understand us or accept us. Yet, we continue to suffer their abuse, clinging to excuses, which may cause us to give into their dictates and further entrench ourselves in the false belief that it is not possible to do otherwise.

Many parents do not assume their role, and to compensate, the child is sacrificed by having to mature too quickly. But overcoming the wounds of a lost childhood, as difficult as this task may seem, is not impossible. Cognitive-behavioural therapy can be useful in helping us to accept what has happened to us, to secure our inner child, to heal it and to accept who we are. We can then find the strength to move forward and build present and future happiness without remaining the victim of our parents.

What do you think?