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Toxic people always find a way to sneak into our lives. Not only can toxic people ruin our lives and hinder our progress, but they often drag us down and can turn us into toxic people in turn...

- The basics -

There will always be people who irritate or annoy us, but they should not be confused with toxic people, who have devastating effects not only on our personal and professional environment, but also on our well-being, our self-esteem and our physical and mental health.

It's impossible to avoid toxic people, especially when they are family members or colleagues. These people tend to be socially popular and initially pleasant to be around, until the other side of the coin comes to light.

- The signs -

It's always important to keep our distance in our exchanges, as toxic people hide their games very well for the medium term. And when we have the feeling that we can't explain in any tangible way how we feel about someone, it's our instinct that comes to the fore and it's rarely wrong. When we interact with these people, we frequently feel irritated, exhausted and used.

By recognising the signals early on, we can maintain a degree of control :

They seek praise by victimising themselves or using false modesty ;

They pick up on our imperfections down to the smallest detail and don't hesitate to rub salt in the wound ;

They use people to fill the gaps in their lives and pretend it's friendship, but they never respond when we need them ;

They play the great princes / princesses and don't allow us to return the favour, so that we are indebted to them ;

The truths they tell are selective, half-truths or outright lies ;

If we don't go their way, they isolate and sabotage us ;

They complain about everything and everyone, but never come up with ideas to improve things ;

They never apologise.

- Setting boundaries -

We don't have to walk on eggshells. If we're under attack or someone disrespects us, it's time to set up a healthy emotional distance by abandoning the toxic people around us.

In some cases, we might be tempted to give someone a second chance, but we have to be careful. If someone knows they can get away with it without any consequences, they'll do it again. If there is a chance for the relationship, both parties will have to show respect and not cross certain boundaries, and that includes negative references made under the guise of humour (these are always sneak attacks).

- Believing in ourselves -

Let's not flog ourselves if we haven't seen the signs immediately, because every relationship involves a risk. By trying to please everyone, we risk frequently committing ourselves unilaterally in our relationships. Let's have a little self-respect : if other people can't accept the standards that define us, they don't have to be part of our lives. By becoming aware of our limits and ourselves, toxic people will have less of a hold on us.

- Forgiveness -

Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. Forgiveness is primarily for us and not an obligation to let these people back into our lives. When someone makes a mistake, it is expected and normal that they should apologise. Even if they show vulnerability or remorse, let's not forgive immediately. Let a little time pass and be certain of their honesty, before considering the question of forgiveness. If their words and actions show us that they are starting their pattern again, let's distance ourselves from them and not fall back into their traps. We don't have to compromise ourselves for them.

Warning : One of the most common traits of toxic people is a persistent refusal to accept personal responsibility or to empathise with another person. If we approach the conversation from the angle of having been hurt and want to talk about it, chances are they will refute our concerns and place the blame on us.

- Self-distancing -

We know from experience that there is no point in arguing endlessly with a toxic person in the hope that they will admit their fault. Self-distancing is therefore the necessary step back to assess situations from an outside perspective. It's not easy, but it will enable us to free ourselves emotionally from these manipulators.

Here are two techniques that can help :

Reflecting in the third person : This makes our inner dialogue more effective at distancing ourselves, while temporarily depersonalising our link with the incident, allowing us to reflect on it in a neutral way.

Engage in expressive writing : For this form of exorcism, let's devote at least 20 minutes to writing down all our thoughts and emotions linked to the conflict we are experiencing, without worrying about the structure of the order of events and without trying to embellish or rationalise. This technique is for our eyes and ears only (no sharing is allowed).

- Attention-seekers -

Toxic people will always find a way to turn any subject to their advantage or to highlight them (even when they weren't even there). Good social cohesion is based on the fact that everyone has the right to talk, joke and have fun, so a social circle should never be forced to revolve around one person or pander exclusively to their ideas. If that's the case, let's pay little or no attention to that person, preferring to spend time with the less flashy members.

- Not trustworthy -

Toxic people share what they say are secrets in order to get others to open up to them, to get resources to judge and stab us in the back. Let's not be fooled into thinking that they are talking to us because they trust us, they are doing it to get information that they can use against us at will. Let's be careful not to take the bait. They will report anything we might have said about someone to that person, exaggerating what has been said and making the other person believe that it is to protect them, omitting the fact that they introduced the negative discussion in the first place. This is manipulation by division to gain power in a social group.

- Manipulators -

They will study all our emotional triggers in order to force us to achieve their objectives or make us feel guilty in order to silence us. To avoid being forced into submission, or being silenced, let's analyse the signs :

When this person is present, do we feel strong emotions (anger, irritation, devaluation or discomfort)?

Do we often wonder if there is a double meaning in their discussions?

Do we have the impression that we are making choices that are not of our own making (that we are being duped or manipulated)?

If so, let's distance ourselves from the person who is causing us these feelings.

- Liars -

Toxic people lie compulsively (to others and to themselves). Unfortunately for them, telling a true story is relatively easy, but keeping track when they tell different versions and a bunch of made-up stories is difficult. So liars end up exposing themselves over time, contradicting and constraining themselves with more lies.

- Quarrels and drama -

Toxic people like to air their dirty laundry in public. And when an argument breaks out, they don't allow anyone to remain neutral, they want us to choose sides, otherwise we become their enemy too.

- Bullies -

Honest people will help those who need it. Toxic people, on the other hand, will attack anyone they consider weak (i.e. who doesn't think like they do). Toxic people will intimidate and take advantage of anyone they feel will not stand up to them, whether it's someone a little shy, emotional, socially awkward or even someone who lacks physical prowess. That's why we shouldn't hesitate to report them, not only for our own sake, but also for the sake of others.

- Insults in disguise -

Insults come in many forms. But the most insidious insults are those disguised as innocent games or attributed to a sense of humour : « I'd never have the confidence to dress like that », « You're so funny and you don't even realise it », « I was only joking, don't take everything personally ». These thinly veiled insults are only thrown in to affect our emotions.

- Direct responses -

Toxic people will go out of their way to give only arbitrary, vague, evasive or misleading answers. This is done both to minimise their involvement and to divert attention to other people or problems. The trick to getting round this is to only present them with closed questions, i.e. a question with a « yes » or « no » answer, without any other necessary or permitted details. This will force them to clarify their intentions and prevent them from playing games.

- Narcissists -

Narcissists love themselves, or perhaps more precisely, they love the idea of themselves (whether or not it is true, even for them). They are so full of themselves that they lose all sense of reality. They go fishing for compliments, pretending that they don't feel so good about themselves, or that they're not such good people. We don't have to criticise them or try to make them feel bad, but by ignoring them we'll help remind them that we're all human and that our lives all have value, and that they're not more important.

- At fault -

Even if they are clearly at fault, toxic people will go out of their way to absolve themselves of blame. They'll justify their actions by bringing up something someone else did (or didn't do), accuse others of not following their example. In short, toxic people will never admit they are wrong and will refuse to apologise.

- Focused on the problems -

Toxic people criticise others and decisions in which they had no part (or which didn't go their way). They don't hesitate to point out other people's mistakes and point them out to the world. They do this to free themselves from any fault or effort on their part. It's very easy to hate things and blame people, but it's harder to move them forward or change them.

Conclusions

We cannot control the thoughts, feelings and actions of others, but we can control our own. And a toxic person behaves in a harmful way, which means that to preserve our well-being, we have an important role to play : to distance ourselves and detach ourselves from them. We have every right to feel what we feel and to honour our feelings by keeping our distance... and if they find this amusing or try to attack us for it, let them in their ignorance of the true human condition.

What do you think?