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Weaponized incompetence occurs when an individual consciously demonstrates ineptitude in order to avoid certain tasks or responsibilities, causing others to step in and perform the task for him or her. This way of thinking and proceeding creates an imbalance in any professional and/or personal relationship, showing that one colleague/partner is not performing well enough, while others have to pull out all the stops to make up for this lack of performance...

- Origin -

The term « weaponized incompetence » is used when a person uses this strategy to avoid certain tasks or responsibilities, or to excuse inactivity in certain situations. However, variants of the term have been used in other contexts for many years. For example, a 1986 issue of Harvard Business Review magazine discusses « skilled incompetence » in the workplace, where people avoid addressing problems so that greater organisational chaos can be created than if the situation had been dealt with earlier.

- Competence -

In some cases, a person may not be faking it, and may not really know how to do something. This situation is very often the basis of impostor syndrome. If this person continues to avoid tasks, they will never become more competent. On the other hand, if they express this and ask for help to learn how to deal with it, this will strengthen the dynamic in the balance and their confidence.

- Target -

Here are a few reasons why this practice is used :

Responsibilities : It helps people avoid responsibility for tasks they don't want to do, despite the fact that they are part of their professional duties or their marital or partner obligations, including housework, childcare, but also any stage or aspect of financial responsibilities.

Discomfort : It helps a person to avoid the discomfort of having to deal with tasks that make them feel insecure, doubtful, anxious or afraid. In this way, others find themselves carrying the load, offering our individual a sense of protection.

Attention : Some people use it to get people to pay attention to them. By appearing powerless or incapable, they can attract the attention, sympathy or support of others.

Control : Some more malicious people use it to manipulate others and keep control over them, even if this control is often only an illusion, as others know very well what is going on.

- Paradigms -

Over time, these repeated instances of manipulation and avoidance erode the bond between people, leading to increased frustration, dissatisfaction and, ultimately, deterioration.

Here are some typical phrases to use when practicing weaponized incompetence :

« I don't know how to do that, can you do it? »

« I'm no good at this, you do it so much better. »

« I could do it, but I'm so much slower than you. »

« The last time I tried, it was a disaster. »

Here are some side effects :

Imbalance : Weaponized incompetence creates an imbalance, we may feel that we have to do everything ourselves if we want everything to be done properly.

Resentment : Although we may like our colleague or love our partner, we can become frustrated and start to resent them for not making more of an effort.

Lack of trust : It can be difficult to trust the other person when we can't rely on them to help and support us or even just do their bit.

Conflict : We may fight or argue because of the skewed division of responsibilities.

Communication breakdown : We may be reluctant to express our concerns or frustrations, fearing that the non-active will use innocence and incompetence as a defence mechanism to deflect responsibility.

Emotional disconnection : As we feel less and less supported and more and more alone, to survive this whirlwind we will have no choice but to detach ourselves emotionally so that it no longer seems to affect us.

- Pour-parler -

Here are some steps you can take to remedy the situation :

Discussing the problem : Let's focus on explaining how their behaviour affects the way we feel. Discuss what works, what doesn't and what can be improved.

Active listening : Let's practice active listening and allow them to express their thoughts and feelings. Let's try to understand the underlying reasons for their behaviour, even if we don't agree.

Setting limits : Let's discuss what we consider to be fair and equitable in terms of responsibilities. Let's try to reach a common understanding of what is expected of each of us.

Seeking professional help : A professional can provide an objective viewpoint, facilitate productive conversations, solve deeper issues and help resolve conflicts.

Conclusions

After a long day at work, where we've had to make up for the lack of performance of a colleague who feels that certain tasks assigned to him/her are not up to his/her level, our partner asks if we could go and pick up a few things at the grocery shop. Although tired, we remember that the last time he/she went there, more than half the things were missing. When we get home after shopping, we prepare dinner because he/she has self-proclaimed that he/she is a bad cook. Finally, we end the evening putting the dishes away because our partner proclaims that we do it better than him/her. And every step of the way, he/she's playing video games. In short, our colleague and partner have come to rely on us, so that they can rest easy while our day never ends.

Putting off household chores from time to time isn't a big problem. But doing it constantly is disrespectful and shows how little consideration others have for us, and that includes us as we agree to play along.

What do you think?