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Trust is an essential element in any relationship, and trust issues can have repercussions in many areas of our lives. It can make our relationships more complicated, contribute to conflicts, and thwart the realization of our projects…
- Definition -
Trust is described as a firm belief in someone or something's ability, reliability, and truthfulness. « Trusting » allows us to :
Be ourselves ;
Minimize conflicts ;
Focus on our projects ;
Improve our intimacy.
« Trusting » grants us the right to turn to someone for help, comfort, solace, and affection when we need it. But also to offer these same gifts in return.
- Guidelines -
A number of behaviours reveal difficulty in trusting :
Always assuming the worst : By constantly assuming that the people around us are not trustworthy, even when all evidence proves otherwise, paranoia and mental fatigue will never leave us.
Remaining focused on the negative : It's a fact that we are more easily affected by the negative than the positive. But let's not be carried away on the slope of only noticing the defaults, weaknesses, or mistakes of others/events, rather than acknowledging the positive aspects that are always present (no matter how small).
Self-sabotage : Whether consciously or unconsciously, we try to put an end to things and our relationships because we assume it's better to end them now instead of being disappointed later. The problem is that by acting this way, we prove ourselves to be untrustworthy.
Isolating ourself : We all build a shell or facade that we present to the world, and being cautious is not always a bad thing. But when our protections become walls between us and others, they can quickly become our shackles, and caution can turn into unjustified mistrust. And make no mistake, depression awaits us.
- Causes -
Psychologist Erik Erikson developed a theory suggesting that the early years of our lives determine whether the people around us are trustworthy for our care and security. And here's what courses through our veins when it turns out that this is not the case :
Betrayal : A revealed secret, infidelity, or experiencing manipulation can lead to traumas that are difficult to shake off.
Conflict : Witnessing constant problems within our family makes us fear that this pattern is the norm and that we will systematically reproduce it in adulthood.
Rejection : Repeated refusals without reason or logic by our peers exacerbate a lack of self-confidence, pushing us to replicate this pattern by rejecting everything around us.
Certain types of attachment : It is not uncommon to find that our attachment style or behaviour in a relationship plays a role in how our relationships with others unfold. People inclined towards toxic relationships struggle to trust individuals outside of this framework and are likely to experience obsessive jealousy and bitterness.
Confronting one (or several) of these types of issues does not necessarily mean that we will suffer from trust issues. However, avoiding this path will make building our trust more difficult to achieve.
- Relationships -
« Generalized trusting » refers to the belief that we can trust most people. This type of mindset is influenced by culture, experiences of social interaction, and influences. However, it is not necessarily true.
Prudence is golden in all circumstances and with all people, but we must not confuse prudence with distrust, as the latter can create major conflicts in our interactions with others :
Romantic relationships : This can push our partner towards infidelity, reluctance to commit. And it's even worse when we are unable to self-reflect and apologize when we are wrong.
Friendships : Being disappointed by certain individuals can hinder our willingness to open up to others. Remember, we are never asked to share our entire lives, all our thoughts, or all our dreams with the whole world. It's about occasionally sharing small things with well-chosen people.
Professional relationships : We may fear that our colleagues are conspiring against us or simply assume that trusting is not important. But carrying everything alone on our shoulders is not something we are asked to do, nor is it what we are paid for.
- Overcoming -
Although it may be emotionally difficult, it is possible to overcome issues related to a lack of trust :
To slowly (re)build : Trusting people enough to let them into our lives, learning to forgive some of their mistakes, is important. If we tend to swing from one extreme to the other and suddenly trust too quickly, it is crucial that we step back and balance our level of trust.
To talk about it : While we don't need to provide all the details of what happened to us in the past, being open about the reasons why we struggle to trust can help others understand us better and be more mindful of how their actions are interpreted by us.
To distinguish trust from control : We might feel betrayed or exploited if we don't have total control over a situation. Learning that we need to relinquish control (delegate) is essential not only to strengthen cohesion but also to build trust with others.
To be trustworthy : By acting in accordance with our lack of trust in others, we constantly signal and demonstrate that they cannot trust us. Being trustworthy involves showing our feelings, opinions, thoughts, boundaries and also a certain open-mindedness. It also requires us to be understanding when someone breaks our trust, regarding the reasons that may have led them to make such a choice. Learning to balance these two ideas will help establish healthy interpersonal relationships.
To consider therapy : The confidentiality alliance we form with our therapist proves to be a powerful tool for learning and understanding who we are, the reasons behind our actions, and consequently, allows us to adapt our behaviour more appropriately.
To trust oneself : Charity begins at home. And yes, the best way to learn to trust is to honour ourselves by placing some trust in ourselves. This means that we need to develop an awareness of our strengths and values and rely on them to guide us. However, this does not mean that we should never question ourselves or challenge our choices.
Conclusions
Trust is the expectation that our desire to dialogue, engage, collaborate, confide, and reveal ourselves can happen without disappointment, and that our vulnerabilities will not be exploited by others.
But trust is also an intuition, sometimes a decision (more or less reasoned), and a hope, much more than a certainty. Because trusting implies accepting a relative social risk, that of deception or duplicity from our interlocutors.
However, there is no need to expose ourselves to disappointment or exploitation : the solution lies in our ability to place in others a trust that is not blind, but awake.
What do you think?
