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Self-parenting means giving ourselves the care and attention we lacked in our childhood. It means allowing our inner child to feel seen, heard, and protected. Without self-parenting, this inner child tries to protect us, but often by hindering our growth…

- Specification -

In our childhood, if we did not learn to manage our emotions appropriately, or were not taught how to make decisions or handle conflicts, our inner child improvised ways to protect, intervene, and solve our problems. Unfortunately, it does not have the prerequisites to do so correctly and effectively. This is how procrastination can be a sign that our inner child wants to stay small, invisible, and silent in the face of the danger of big projects.

It is not necessary to have been beaten or physically neglected to experience trauma in childhood. It is not the nature of the event that defines the trauma, but the impact it had on us. Parents may have been physically present but emotionally absent. They may have been absent through no fault of their own, such as in cases of divorce or hospitalization. Nevertheless, this created a lack of a sense of security and stability at home. Although we may not have considered these events traumatic, they had a lasting impact on us.

- Flexional -

Our inner child is both the response and the echo of our parents (and any other authority figures) that we have internalized. We treat ourselves harshly today because we rarely received the support we needed when we were children. As a result, self-kindness does not come naturally to us.

Over time, some of us have used positive mantras without understanding why they didn't work. The answer is simple : there is a disconnection between what our subconscious knows to be true and what our conscious mind imposes on it. And when we repeat « I deserve it », our subconscious says something different because we cannot change what we feel deep down (even if it is masked).

The antidote to inner criticism is self-compassion. Treating ourselves with compassion will help us increase our self-esteem and ensure that these mantras have the desired effects.

The three keys to self-compassion are :

Treat ourselves as well as we would treat a loved one or someone we care about, with tenderness and without judgment.

Understand that everyone can make mistakes, that everyone has down times, and that there is no shame in that.

Learn to observe and accept all our emotions. They are necessary expressions of our body and mind. They are neither good nor bad.

- Define -

Boundaries indicate to others how far we are willing to go and where our non-negotiable points lie. If saying « no » to unfair and illogical demands resulted in punishments or systematic rejections in our childhood, we will fear the consequences of asserting our needs as adults. Without self-parenting, our inner child will consider pleasing others necessary for survival and will prioritize others' needs over our own.

As children, rejection and abandonment made us feel like our lives were in danger or made us feel unimportant. We survived by trying to fit in, at the expense of our needs and ourselves. Now that we are adults, self-parenting requires us to assure our inner child that even if it may be unpleasant to be rejected for saying « no », we will survive, and we do not have to reverse this decision. « No » is a complete sentence and is non-negotiable.

To learn our boundaries, we could make a list of what we like and dislike and use our senses to guide us (what do we like to see, hear, smell, touch, and taste?). This way, we can say « no » to things that do not align with our tastes and values. And the trajectory of our life will change its course towards our personal fulfilment.

- Intimacy -

When our needs were not met in childhood, our attachment style becomes insecure. As adults, we turn to relationships and situations that feel familiar (seen in our childhood). This can mean overdoing or giving too much in our relationships, or conversely, creating emotional distance and avoiding affection (given or received).

If love seemed out of reach or hard to obtain in childhood, we will assume the same in our adult relationships. If we were punished for expressing feelings, we will have difficulty opening up to others. We will need constant reassurance of someone's love, which will eventually exhaust everyone or drive people away.

If vulnerability makes us feel endangered, let us remind ourselves that we are no longer children and can take care of our needs. It is unlikely that a close person will reject us, but if they do, it will confirm that they were not trustworthy, and we will grow (away from them). If we are too clingy in relationships, we should find other people to talk to (besides our partner).

- Fun -

Let’s give ourselves the gift of incorporating fun activities into our lives. Here are a few tips :

Guilt-Free : We have been conditioned to believe that our only value lies in our achievements, rather than in meeting our needs.

Care : Before burnout sets in, we need to take care of our needs, emotions, and ourselves.

Reminiscence : Let’s recall a moment when we felt pure joy and use that memory to move forward.

- Compose -

Let’s use the self-parenting strategy to write a new story where we felt validated and reassured that we deserved care and love. This new story will replace the one where we experienced consequences for our joy that made us believe our desires were dangerous or that we would lose affection if we asked for what we wanted. There isn’t always a « catch », because we deserve to be validated, understood, and supported.

Conclusions

If our parents did not guide us properly, we will struggle to understand who we are, because trauma (whether we recognize it as such or not) has programmed our brain to work against us at key moments. Now that we are aware of the reasons for our self-sabotage, we can stop these unconscious traces of our past by using self-parenting strategies.

What do you think?